People Who Need People Are — What?
Well, if the lyrics of a song originally popularized by Barbra Streisand (and subsequently performed by every nightclub singer, famous or obscure) are true, then “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
Luckiest? In exactly what way, pray tell?
I think codependent, dysfunctional, insecure, immature and lacking self-esteem come a lot closer to the truth. But that wouldn’t have made much of a love song, would it?
Our cultural notions of romance aren’t especially healthy ones, psychologically speaking. The idea that we are pathetic half-people desperately seeking someone to complete us and make us whole is a creepy concept at best and an express lane to emotional casualty at worst. Up until relatively recently, being single past the age of twenty-something was a major social stigma, just a little less awful than leprosy. You were pitied by your married friends. You were suspected of being maladjusted, having intimacy issues, being a misogynist (if male) or a misandrist (if female), a misanthrope, a closet gay, or a sleazy sleeparound with an excess of hormones, a lack of moral fiber and a serious problem with commitment.
Okay, so now we can have relationships and choose to not marry and nobody except religious fundamentalists will point a finger of blame at us. As a society, we’ve come a long way, baby, haven’t we?
Wrong.
We may be liberated, but someone forgot to de-program us. We’re still frantically trying to locate our MIA Other Half and we’re going through partners so fast we need a score card to keep track of them. I see men and women of all ages doing it — young, mid-life and golden oldie. I hear it, like a recurring theme, in commercials for E-Harmony and other online dating services. We still believe that there’s one special person out there somewhere who’s our perfect complementary counterpart – and if we don’t find him or her, we’re the emotional equivalent of a one-legged marathon runner.
Humans — even the very best among us — are imperfect and not very reliable crutches. Love and emotional dependency are two very different (and perhaps mutually exclusive) things. Unless we’re strong enough to make it on our two feet, we’re a poor risk for a healthy relationship with anyone else.
Sorry, Barbra. People who need people aren’t lucky — or happy either. They’re just — well — needy. And desperate.
–phoebe kate