Phoebe Kate

I will be out of town and offline for a few days.  Look for a new post toward the end of this week.  See you then!

–phoebe kate

It is with great relief that I report a great cosmic question about gastronomy has recently been answered.  I’m sure it plagued your mind as much as it did mine at 3:00 A.M. on sleepless nights. 

We can now rest easy and catch up on all those ZZZs we’ve lost, people.  We no longer need to live in confusion and doubt, in conjecture and idle speculation.  

The Official Fast Food of Southern Baptists is…. 

(ta da!) 

…Bojangles.

(Damn!  I’d have placed my bet on Golden Corral.)

There’s a new TV commercial for the Charlotte NC-based chicken-frying chain featuring a real-life Baptist preacher who got picked to proselytize for the camera about his favorite eatery. 

It’s a bizarre bit of advertising, to say the least, co-starring an enormous tour bus with “BAPTIST” on it, dwarfing a woman standing beside it who alludes to God having a hand in selecting her pastor as spokesperson.  Pastor Haizlip pops up to tell us how God works in mysterious ways.  Then we’re treated to a rather spooky, but I’m sure thoroughly righteous saved-and-sanctified, mother/daughter duo singing the Bojangles jingle in 2-part harmony like the closing hymn to a Sunday night service.                

I live in Eastern NC and I know Bojangles is regional.  What I don’t understand is how a commercial that looks about as professional as the entries sent to “America’s Funniest Home Videos” managed to make it on the air anywhere — or how an ad agency suffers from the delusion that this is still the South of Jed Clampett and his kin. 

And let’s get real here.  Using God to sell greasy chicken is…well…just plain tacky, no matter where you’re from. 

–phoebe kate 

When you were young, did you ever write dumb answers on your tests? 

No, of course you never did.  Neither did I. 

Actual answers on real history tests:

• “The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their sons, Cain, asked, ‘Am I my brother’s son?’”
• “Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.  He died before he ever reached Canada.”
• “Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
• “In the Olympic Games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.”
• “The Ides of March killed Julius Caesar because they thought he was going to be made king.  As he died, he gasped out, ‘Tee hee, Brutus.’”
• “Nero was a cruel tyranny who tortured his subjects by playing the fiddle for them.”
• “It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenburg invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.”
• “One of the causes of the American Revolution was the English put tacks in their tea.”
• “Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.”
• “The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the raper, which did the work of 100 men.”
• “Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Dawin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.”

These kids shouldn’t be wasting their time taking tests.  They should be immediately sent to where they’re needed most — to Hollywood, of course, to write jokes for the late night show hosts on TV.

–phoebe kate

If we’ve been told it once, we’ve been told it a thousand times — read the fine print.  I admit I don’t always do it.  When I was younger, I didn’t think I had to because I knew everything there was to know already, of course.  Now that I’m older, it’s because I can’t remember where I last left my discount 2.50 magnification readers from Hell-Mart. 

However, after reading these, I’m convinced of two things: 1) the fine print is well worth reading, though not for the obvious reasons; and 2) that the world of consumer packaging needs my editorial assistance desperately.

Actual directions/warnings found on the labels of some common products:

• On a box of a frozen dinner: “Serving suggestion: defrost.”
• On the patient information sheet for a prescription drug marketed for a non-life threatening, minor health problem:  “Side Effects: This product may cause sudden death.”
• On the bottom of a box containing Tiramisu: “Do not turn upside down.”
• On an over-the-counter sleep aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
• On an airlines packet of peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.  Instructions: Open packet.  Eat nuts.”
• On a chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
• On the box of a steam iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
• On a box containing a kitchen knife: “Warning: Keep out of children.”
• On a string of Christmas tree lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
• On a Superman costume:  “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
• On a Japanese-made food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”

–phoebe kate

Recently, in the small town of Waterville ME, three teenagers and two adults were charged with arson.  Gathering the proof of the perps’ guilt was a piece of cake for police detectives.  The wannabe criminals had made a 5-star video of the event that included not only all the evidence needed, but also a musical score and credits for cast and crew.   

These guys clearly aren’t suited for a life of crime, but they definitely have a promising future in independent film production.   Keep your eye out for them at the Sundance Film Festival and on the red carpet after they serve their 5 to 10 year prison sentences. 

–phoebe kate