Phoebe & Mate: Minus 3 and Doing Great
So, I was thinking this morning at 4:00 A.M. when I awoke and couldn’t go back to sleep: if Jon & Kate’s quotidian life merits a reality show on TV, why shouldn’t mine?
My husband and I are more personable, more entertaining and better-looking than the soon-to-be-ex Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin. We have 3 highly amusing grown children and 2 hilarious cats. We’re writers, zany creative types. We live in a highly desirable and very photogenic resort area on the NC coast. I have OCD, and we all know that obsessesive- compulsives are funny to watch and very “in” right now (imagine Monk as a blonde-haired, brown-eyed, well-endowed femme of cougar age.) My husband is the original absent-minded professor. They’re always good for a laugh.
Sold you on the idea, eh? Of course.
So, let’s see. Here’s the synopsis for the debut show of Phoebe & Mate: Minus 3 and Doing Great.
Episode #1: “Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow.”
The time has come for the chickies to fly the coop – and that means the house is Chaos Central, because the three kids are all moving out at the same time! #1 Son is off to do something in The Big City. #2 Son will be working with a D.C. lobbyist who wants to protect the God-given right of every red-blooded American to own an assault weapon. The Little Princess is leaving to find True Love in North Dakota.
Phoebe’s in a dither, making long lists for the three of them so they don’t forget anything and washing 37 loads of their dirty laundry so they can finish packing. The washing machine goes wonky and overflows. As she mops up a flood of suds and waits for the repairman, she worries if her children will find happiness in their new lives. Her husband, The Prof, is busy, too. He’s either holed up in his study, writing an article about gnosticism, or in the kitchen cooking up enormous vats of his homegrown collard greens.
Finally, The Big Day arrives! As the kids are walking out the door with their belongings, Phoebe gets an anxiety attack and hyperventilates. The Prof hands her a paper bag to breathe into and announces, “Children, I have something very important to tell you before you go.” Then, in great detail, he imparts to them the history and ancient secrets of the hermetic tradition.
But’s that not the only surprise old Dad has up his sleeve. He has a very special going-away present for them – giant freezer bags of his collard greens!
Stay tuned for episode #2. There’s more fun and excitement with Phoebe & Mate coming your way!
–phoebe kate
after the hermetic lecture and collard greens, he hands all 3 of them an iodine pill bought off the internet that will protect them from radiation if/when the terrorists attack. oh but there’s more! while you were overwhelmed with anxiety, your OCD forgot to remind my ADD to actually take the pill with me to North Dakota. princess may or may not become radioactive in season 2. oh noes!
a tv show about us would be the looniest thing on television