Frank O’Hara Said It All
“Now I am quietly waiting for/the catastrophe of my personality/to seem beautiful again/ and interesting and modern.” ~ Frank O’Hara
There comes a moment in people’s lives when they realize they’re a mess as a human being. The list of failures, shortcomings and disappointments is very long. Maybe it isn’t even all that long in reality, but it seems so when you look at it. Maybe not everything on the list is your fault, but it sure as hell feels like it. No matter what, the disillusionment is monumental.
This moment can occur at any point in one’s life. It’s always perfectly godawful whenever it happens. Some people have it on their death bed – perhaps that’s why they linger on so long and seem so agitated. Quite a few have it when they’re 40 or 50, and then it’s called a midlife crisis. That momentarily makes you feel better, because your existential misery has a name – and maybe (hopefully) a cut-off point, too, very soon.
Then there are those who get it in their teens. Everybody tells them it’s just adolescent angst or a phase that will pass. It isn’t true. Recognition of our own personal flawed human nature never goes away once we’ve grasped its reality.
We’re all a combination of genes we didn’t choose to have. We’re the product of influences over which we had no control. And even when we realize this, we still can’t seem to get a grip on ourselves and make things turn out differently for us.
I like O’Hara’s thought about “quietly waiting” for a change for the better. Personalities don’t become a “catastrophe” and lives don’t become a mess overnight. Reversing the damage will take time and patience with ourselves and others until we become what we hope to be — and until we believe that we truly are the person we now seem.
– phoebe kate