Phoebe Kate

“All the lonely people, where do they all come from?  All the lonely people, where do they all belong?”  That’s what the Beatles sang in “Eleanor Rigby,” about a reclusive and shy spinster who lived in a world of fantasy, waiting for nonexistent lovers to show up, and died alone, mourned by none.

An article I read today put me in my mind of that piece of music and its sad message.  It seems that there’s a new fad in Japan for the lovelorn.  Anime characters have become the focus of a growing subculture who carry their fondness for that particular entertainment genre to a whole different and intimate level.  They believe they are actually having romances with the cartoon characters.  

Lonely anime fanciers buy a body pillow with the image of their favorite 2-D dreamboat and carry it around in public, taking it out to eat or for strolls in the park or to the karaoke bar, proudly introducing it as their “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.”  While they understand their beloved isn’t real, the people escorting lumpy pillows around town experience all the feelings they’d have in a normal relationship. 

When one 2-D lover was asked if he’d like to marry a real, live, 3-D woman, he replied that he would, but added, “Look at me.  How can someone who carries this [doll] around get married?”

He’s got a point there.

It certainly may strike us as very strange behavior, but yet in a way it’s understandable.  I think there are days when all of us (if we’re being honest) would prefer a pleasantly silent and cooperative pillow to the realities of dealing with other people and their personal baggage.  And I’m not just talking about lovers and spouses here.  It’s all the complex individuals with whom we share a close tie of some sort –siblings, parents, children, relatives, friends, bosses, co-workers. 

Tolerance and empathy are challenging attitudes for anyone to develop, but they’re the only way to get along with the co-inhabitants of our private lives and of the world.  As Paul McCartney said, “I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird.  Now I know that it’s the people who call others weird that are weird.”       

–phoebe kate

…the tough get going, or so the old saying has it.  Economic hard times have long been the impetus for resourcefulness and outside-the-box thinking.  This week, I ran across three strange, but interesting, newspaper items that give some insight into how different people are coping the recession.

The world’s oldest profession is not immune to feeling the financial pinch, but the ladies of the night are nothing if not practical.  No spare cash?  That’s okay — what do you have to give in return for a good time?   The Oklahoman reports that an Oklahoma City hooker accepted a case of corn chips (worth about $30) from her client, an employee at Frito-Lay (I will leave the tasteless jokes about the company name up to you, but it is rather ironic, isn’t it?)  The woman was arrested by police and fined.  The man is probably fired from Frito-You-Know-What and looking for a new job while trying to figure out how to fudge the cause of his last termination.

In Heath, Ohio, the officials have found a good way to boost revenue and refill those dwindling local government coffers.  It’s working well, too — a little too well, maybe.  In the first four weeks after installing a new six-intersection traffic-camera ticketing system, over 10,000 citations were issued.  So what’s the problem?  They’ve issued more tickets than people who live there.  I suppose they can now put a sign on the road saying: “Welcome to Heath, the Most-Ticket Town in America and Home to 8,500 Proudly Unrepentant Traffic Scofflaws.”

The London Times reports that 300 applicants showed for a job offered at Wookey Hole in Somerset, a popular site for area visitors.  A lucky lady named Carol Bohanan got the job.  And what is her position?  She’s going to be their witch-in-residence during the tourist season, at a pro-rated salary of about $83,000.   What does she have to do?  Hang around the historic caves, looking like a hag and cackling maniacally.

–phoebe kate      

The following is a collection of remarks actually made in employment performance evaluations by a major corporation who, for obvious reasons, prefers to remain anonymous.

• “Since my last report, the employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
• “His staff would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
• “When she opens her mouth, it’s only to change feet.”
• “He sets low standards for himself and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
• “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
• “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.”
• “Has two brains — one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
• “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get back change.”
• “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.”

I always thought worker incompetency gave managers high blood pressure, bad moods and the need for two-martini lunches.  I’m glad to see that crummy employees are driving some supervisors to random acts of humor.  It’s refreshing to see a streak of creativity in the buttoned-down minds of corporate America.  After all, life is a cosmic joke on everyone — might as well laugh, eh? 

And it’s reassuring to think that if the rat race gets too much for you, you can always have a second career writing jokes for Kimmel and Carson D. and Conan.            

–phoebe kate

Some days, it seems, there’s a plethora of online news items that make me think that I’d be happier being less well-informed.  Here are some of today’s headlines from various internet news sources that prove that ignorance may well be bliss.

• Her Nude Photo Caused Big Stir.  The headline’s subtitle informs us that this is a plus-size model baring all for all to see.   Rubens and other Renaissance painters have already done an outstanding job depicting big girls undressed.  I think I’ll stick with them, thank you.
• Claire Danes Drops Pants for BlackBook. 
• Celebs Who Shouldn’t Reproduce.  For starters, I nominate Claire Danes and the overexposed overweight chick.
• Biggest Kissing Mistakes.  It’s bad enough to have experienced these up-close and personal on a bad date.  Must we read about them, too? 
• Video: Circumcision for All Baby Boys.  I’ve been to a brit milah.  That was more than sufficient.
• Many Foot Amputations Preventable.  I really don’t want to see or hear or read about body parts, amputed or not, before I’ve had my second cup of coffee and an extra-strength Excedrin.
• Dr. Doom Warns of Double-Dip Recession.  I think I’ll just go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head while my retirement money vanishes.
• Favre Goat Found in Trunk.  Always nice to start the day with some animal cruelty.
• Video: Learn the Truth about Man-Eating Birds.  We’re back to more body parts again.  Ewww.
• Coroner Rules Jackson Death a Homicide.  I know it’s soooo politically incorrect to say this, but I just don’t really care.  Like our au naturel model, St. Michael is suffering from media overexposure.  The way it’s going, he’s going to be a headliner from now until our grandchildren have grandchildren.  He’s ascended from living legend status to immortality.
• Ex-Migrant Worker About to Blast Into Space.  A new answer to the illegal immigration problem?

  –phoebe kate

As a writer, I notice little things — things that many people don’t.  Writers aren’t “doers.”  We hang around on the sidelines of life, observing stuff so we’ll have something to write about.  We’re like the nerdy kids back in grade school who stood a little ways off from the group at recess and watched everybody else playing tag and kickball and Steal the Bacon. 

In fact, a lot of us writers were those nerdy kids.  I don’t see it as nerdy behavior, though.  Actually, I was deliberately honing the observational skills necessary for successful writing and carefully preparing for my future career.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Anyway, the more I step back from the passing scene and assess it with an objective eye, the more absurd and ironic 21st century life seems to be.  Nothing makes a great deal of sense — not our society in general nor us as its inhabitants.  Have we all collectively lost our right minds?  Consider the following, and you be the judge. 

Why is it that:

• we can get a pizza delivered faster than we can get an ambulance or a police car to come to our aid?
• people double-size their fast food orders and then ask for diet soda?
• banks leave all their doors open and often unguarded, but chain the pens to the counter?
• banks have Braille on their ATM machine keyboard?
• there are handicapped parking spaces in front of skating rinks, bowling alleys and places offering martial arts classes and kick-boxing lessons?
• we use answering machines to screen calls, but also have call waiting so we won’t miss the calls from all those people we don’t want to talk to and got the answering machine to avoid?
• sick people are forced to walk all the way to the back of the drug store for their prescriptions while the healthy (at least for the moment) can buy cigarettes at the front counter?
• we leave cars costing thousands of dollars in the driveway and use our garages to store junk we don’t want or use any more?

Apparently, my razor-sharp powers of observation haven’t preserved me from the irrational thinking that permeates modern life.   I just realized that I have an answering machine and call waiting.  There’s also two cars parked in the driveway and you can just guess what’s in my garage. 

Oh, and our garage houses one other totally illogical item — our beat-up old utility trailer is in there, too, where it’s keeping nice and safe and dry.

Don’t ask.

–phoebe kate