Phoebe Kate

“So I’m sitting in the bar and this man walks in with an alligator  – ”

No, it’s not another drunk joke.  And the bartender doesn’t offer to mix a Swamp Water Surprise or Crocodile Cooler or Florida Daiquiri for guy’s scaley friend — he calls 911.

Last Saturday, the patrons of Johnny’s Saloon in Orange County, CA weren’t seeing things after too many High Lifes and shots of rye when a fellow bellied up to the bar with his BFF, a 3-foot long alligator. 

I’m happy to report that the creature was on a leash and, most important of all, behaved itself – which is a lot more than you can say for the denizens of your average tavern.    

Animal Control confiscated the reptile and its owner will now have to go and find a new drinking buddy, preferably not in the swamps. 

My suggestion to the fellow would be to get himself a Pookah, like Jimmy Stewart’s tippling character in the classic movie Harvey. Six foot tall, invisible, mythological rabbits are always welcome in the finest watering holes and are a real favorite with bartenders, who are happy to serve your quiet and unseen companion as many martinis as it wants.    

–phoebe kate

No, not God.  In the following news items, it’s clearly man and not the Almighty at work.

• In South Carolina, a Roman Catholic priest sure put his foot in his mouth when he told the Obama supporters in his congregation not to put that Holy Communion wafer in their mouths.  To receive the Body of Christ after having voted for a candidate who isn’t pro-life puts the believer ”under the judgment of divine law,” according to Reverend Jay Scott Newman of St. Mary’s parish in Columbia.  Is it my imagination or is the Catholic Church regressing to a Dark Ages mentality?  Thanks, Cardinal Ratzinger — oops, I mean Pope Benedict XVI — for undoing all the enlightenment of the two Vatican Councils in the 1960s.  The tremors you feel in Rome is Pope John XXIII rolling over in his grave.       
• In Texas, Pastor Ed Young is challenging his congregation’s married couples to have sex for seven straight days to “strengthen and rebuild marriages.”  (The unmarried better plug up their ears during that sermon and remain chaste unless they want to go to hell.)  A professional family counselor, Young appears to have forgotten that good communication between partners is the key to a loving relationship and  satisfying sex life.  Is it possible that the pastor’s target audience for this message is not the fellowship but his own wife?  Hmm…    
• In the Old City of Jerusalem on Sunday, worshipers at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher were treated to the unholy sight of holy men slugging it out.  Seems that the Greek Orthodox monks felt they were being slighted by Armenian monks during a ceremony.  Hey, fellas – time out, everybody go to their own corner and meditate upon WWJD.
• On a brighter note, Jesus has made another earthly appearance — in a slice of French toast at Mack’s Cafe in Pompano Beach, Florida on Tuesday.  The sparring monks in Jerusalem should take this to heart in their meditation.  Obviously, the Lord feels more welcome in a diner than in houses of worship these days.  All things considered, not surprising, huh?  

–phoebe kate   

Basketball is my sport — collegiate, not professional – and North Carolina State University’s Wolfpack is my team.  Hooowwwww-oooooooo!

Truth be told, the Pack’s performance hasn’t been exactly stellar in the last couple of years under the coaching of Sidney Lowe — they’re 35-32 overall and that ain’t good news, folks.  Fox Sports targets him as one of the 12 college coaches whose future is not looking too bright these days. 

I personally like Lowe.  He’s an affable fellow who generally behaves himself courtside (unlike some other coaches who shall remain nameless but you know who the tantrum-throwers are.)  And why he’s not doing better with the Pack is a mystery.  Granted, he’s only been in the position since 2006, but in this business you don’t get an extended honeymoon period of adjustment. 

To top it all off, Lowe has recently had trouble at home – his 23-year-old son was found guilty of armed robbery this summer.  In an emotional plea for mercy, Lowe took the stand and blamed himself for his son’s going astray, citing years away from home as a NBA player and his subsequent coaching jobs that left the boy alone too much of the time.  Lowe recounted to the judge how his son once told someone that his daddy worked at the airport because he was always flying off somewhere.

Here’s hoping that Lowe can get it together in all the areas of his life and achieve the success that his fans know he’s capable of.

–phoebe kate 

It’s oft said that politics makes for strange bedfellows.  Well, religion makes for some peculiar pewmates, if you ask me.  I just ran across some bizarro news items about the faithful of several different flavors.

For instance, you will be thrilled to know that if you’re a Buddhist having a bad incarnation this time around, you can go to a temple in Thailand for a quickie reincarnation.  And here’s the really great news — you don’t even have to die to get a better life.  You just lie down in a coffin and pretend to be dead while a priest chases away the evil spirits that have made your life miserable, then you arise and go on as an all-new and different person with better karma.  I hear that the lines are as long for this service as they are for tickets to a Coldplay concert, so get there early.

You’ll also be relieved that no Muslim suffered any tummy discomforts during the Ramadan fast this year.  A high-ranking authority said that believers could avail themselves of medical patches that alleviate hunger pangs.  The obligatory month-long dawn-to-dusk fast is designed to redirect the heart away from the affairs of this world and instill divine peace and compassion in the soul.  What, pray tell, does a faux fast teach the believer?  I shudder to think.   

And finally, in case you haven’t gotten your 2009 calendar yet, do consider this novelty.  Latter Day Saints business entrepreneur Chad Hardy has released a 2009 Men on a Mission calendar, featuring ripped and cut shirtless young Mormon missionaries.  If you’ve ever had those black-suited lads come a-knocking at your door, you know that Utah has no lack of yummy male cuties.  Coming up for 2010 is the Hot Mormon Muffins calendar with devout young ladies who are willing to bare (almost) all for their faith. Hardy’s purpose in creating these calendars is to debunk the popular myth that Mormons are stodgy.  

Apparently, however, the hierarchy of the LDS Church doesn’t agree.  Mr. Hardy was excommunicated this year for his 2008 calendar.  Woooo-hooooooo!  That one must have been a eye-popper…

–phoebe kate    

Over the last couple of decades, we’ve evolved (or devolved, depending on your POV) into a society of people who are compelled to multitask.  The word originally referred to a computer’s ability to do several things at the same time.  Nowadays, humans are expected to function like a machine.  Yikes!  Shades of Brave New World and 1984, if you ask me.  

It really is a scary concept, if you think about it – but if you’re multitasking, you won’t ever have any time to, of course.  You’re too busy simultaneously talking on your cell phone while working on your computer that has 36 windows currently open and now your boss’s assistant dumps another stack of folders marked Urgent! on your desk and your Blackberry is going off and you’re already late for the 4:00 staff meeting and you have no idea what you’re having for dinner tonight because your son has Little League and your daughter has a ballet recital and you need to go to the gym and you’re leading the Bible study this evening at the church but you haven’t had a moment to prepare for it and you better stay awake long enough for some quality cuddle time with your spouse because you fell asleep in the middle of your last lovemaking session.  

Sounds familiar, eh?   

So okay, you say.  Yes, my plate is too full.  Yes, I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  Yes, the expectations that I and others have of me are utterly unrealistic.  Yes, I’m exhausted all the time and survive on Red Bull and have road rage and no patience with my family and feel depressed and anxious and am so damn tired I could die but wake up at 3 A.M. every night worrying about the bills. 

But, you say, at least I have a desk job.  I’m not standing on my feet eight or more hours a day and getting varicose veins the size of elevator cables.  I’m not laying linoleum for a living and giving myself water on the knee.  I’m not putting in back-breaking eighteen hour days like my granddaddy did on the farm.  At least I’m doing a dozen things at the same time while sitting pretty in an ergonomic chair   

Not for long you are, my friend.  

Companies are literally pulling the seat out from under their employees and putting them on treadmills where they walk their way through their eight-plus hour multitasking work day at a steady 3 mph.  It’s all part of the rabidly militant anti-fat campaign in America, which has concocted diabolically clever, greed-driven schemes such as the infamous “fat tax” on fast foods and hikes in insurance rates for overweight workers. 

The office guinea pigs with the dubious pleasure of being test cases for this innovation say that it’s not as hard as you might imagine, to work on the computer and talk on the phone while walking approximately 24 miles a day.  But what else could the poor schmucks say, under the circumstances?  Unless they want the We-Say-So Company to pull the rug out from under them, too, and send them on that long, depressing walk to the unemployment office.              

–phoebe kate